Be a Rebel Woman

I Nearly Settled

Uncategorized Oct 01, 2018

I'm still all up in my head about this and trying to figure out how I almost settled.

If you are someone who cares to know what is going on in my world then you will know my 'issues' with relationships.

I actually have stopped using 'issues' as an excuse for me not being in a relationship. I don't have issues. I am actually a really grounded broad who has her life pretty well together raising two teenagers on her own while slaying the hustle-life and learning and growing and becoming more every day. I don't have issues.

What I do have is a very strong desire not to settle. And what I don't have are excuses for not settling.

During my relationship with my ex-husband, I was completely unaware that I had chosen to settle. I was young when we met and I didn't have the experiences of life and the world to show me options outside of what I was existing in. 

When my marriage ended and I started to expand my experiences with relationships (and I started to foster a stronger relationship with myself) my horizon expanded and I realized that settling was a choice and it was one that I had chosen in the past and it didn't get me to where I had dreams of going in the future so I figured it was best to avoid it altogether. 

And then a few #ormore years go by and my friends are all settling down #again and my kids are teenagers and never home and I'm excited to be in bed by 10:00, and I start to wonder if maybe I have pushed this 'I'm not settling' mantra a little too far. And now I'm just some jaded has-been MILF who is destined to live out my days on a Pit Bull Rescue Ranch in Arizona. (If you can't tell, that's my Plan B. And I'm totally cool settling on Plan B.)

So, I give a past 'relationship' a try.

Here is what I learned:

  • If a 'relationship' didn't happen the first time around, that might be a good indicator of a second attempt not succeeding.
  • When you go back to someone, you are literally going back to your past. And if neither of you has done any work on yourselves the relationship is fucked. And if one of you has done the work and the other hasn't, then you are fucked. 
  • Reconnecting with someone from your past will bring up shit from your past that you may not want to bring up any longer because you have dealt with that shit and moved on, or you are no longer capable of showing up as the person you were in the past.  Literally, no winner in this situation. #trustme
  • I also learned that I am not immune to the pressures of society's expectations and I can get wrapped up in comparing myself to my peers and wondering what is wrong with me because my life doesn't look the same as theirs... even though I don't want their lives. 

But first I settled.

(I usually have to make the mistake to learn the lesson.)

For like three months. And then I got real with myself and pulled open the rose-colored curtains and checked back in with myself about what I deserved.

I've worked hard to become enlightened AF and I'm not going to lower my vibration so that I have a person that holds space in my world because I have a fear of 'never finding my Person'.

Yes. I will find my Person. And it won't come from a place of fear or need, or to fill a vacant image in a family photo. It will come when the time is right. When I have found comfort, and compassion, and validation from within myself and he has laundered, and folded, and put away his own baggage.

It will feel like something I have never felt before because it will feel like anything but settling.

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